real raw kitchen: My story from 2014

Sunday, April 1, 2018

My story from 2014

Okay, wow. Where do I begin?

It has been FOUR YEARS since I last posted and it all went by in the blink of an eye. But here I am, back from the grave, feeling more excited to see you than ever before.

First of all, sorry. Second, I wrote this post in 2014 and never published it. I re-read it today (April 1, 2018) and it is still as relevant as ever.

Since it's kinda long, I'm just gonna leave it here with you...

Back when I told you that I was taking a little break from blogging and promised that I'd be back soon I never imagined that it would be quite the struggle to get back to you. I've been popping in here and there to check in on the blog and to respond to your comments and messages because even through everything this simple fact remains: I love you!

But seeing as my steam and passions have shifted a bit I think I find myself more and more uncomfortable coming back to this blog.

Why?

Because I'm not being honest with you. I love this blog and I would love to rev it back up--totally, food is my passion, always--but I can't rev it back up under false pretenses. I'm as real and straight-to-the-point, as they come and to return to you under the guise of a raw food blogger, would be, well, not to-the-point at all.

So what is my point?

Well, how much do you want to read? I've got lots of stories and anecdotes--many of which might make you crumble into a heap of tears but I don't really know if I want to do that to you--but I'm not sure what exactly to share or where exactly I should start. The neatest thing about it, though, is that I think I can safely say that having my fourth existential crisis in the span of one year is probably a totally normal thing for a mid 20-something young woman and so at the very least you might find this encouraging/entertaining/reassuring.


For starters, as you may know, I got married in 2013 to a man that I loved very much. Very much.

God, it hurts to admit how much you love someone, sometimes.

We did the fairy tale wedding with the fairy tale honeymoon and the fairy tale life. Usually, it's safe to assume that when you do those things it's because you have BIG plans with the other person and usually it's safe to assume that's both a scary and exhilarating time. For me, at least, it was all of those things. Every last dream I had for myself was coming to fruition and I couldn't have asked for a greater fairy tale.

Somehow, some way, things just happened. Through the thick of it all, I felt like I was maybe the unluckiest bride in the world (I know, it's dramatic, but it's a pretty damn unlucky situation). It turns out that my fairy tale husband had a nightmarish mental breakdown and decided that marriage was too great a task for his mental and emotional capacity. Bad things happen to good people, I tell ya. Marriage and breakdowns included. 

There are a lot of choice words that have played on repeat in my head over the past year, a LOT, but I don't really feel like I need to express them here, or anywhere, anymore. Because it's really as simple as that: bad things happen to good people. We thought we were doing good things but somehow, some way it just was not meant to be. The amount of pain that I endured (and I'm sure him as well, though I guess I will never know) was so incredible, so intense and insurmountable that at times I thought I quite literally might have died instead of lived through another moment of it. There were nights that I thought I might never stop crying, permanently fixed in a tight ball on the floor, begging someone, anyone, to come hold me. My six-foot frame went from a healthy 145 pounds to a thin 125 pounds within months and I couldn't bring myself to do anything except for survive to the next hour each day.

Why am I telling you this? Because it's real. It happened. It was dark and scary and hurt like fucking hell. But you know what happened? I survived.

I survived!

Against all of my expectations, I survived. Not only that but it was as if one day I was suddenly free. One day I woke up and my first thought was about something totally obscure and unimportant and not at all about the pain from the night before. When I woke up that morning and my first thought wasn't immediately about my (ex)husband I almost started crying simply because I was so relieved. From that day on it has been like I have been awake for the first time, ever, breathing in a refreshing and clear breath for the first time in years.

Since then my life has almost exploded and in only the happiest of ways. That damn phrase that everybody loves to repeat, "Everything happens for a reason", usually makes me cringe and roll my eyes because "everything" and "reason" are both such subjective and relative terms that the phrase has only ever felt dismissive, not inspiring. Until now. Now, I feel like I've had an "ah-ha!" moment where I get it. Ah yes! "Everything" has indeed happened for a "reason" and that reason is that I exist, here and now, unabashedly happy with the very fact that I am simply living! What an amazing "reason" for anything at all to happen, right??

 

Almost immediately after my ah-ha moment I booked a series of trips:

Puerto Rico, solo travel
Colorado, girl camping trip
California, visit home
Colombia, girl backpacking trip
California, visit home
Jamaica, girl trip
Nicaragua, girl surf trip

... and then I ran out of vacation days at work. Oops.

The next week I got my nose pierced in an ever-cliche way, one in which I'm rebelling against the very constricted, cookie-cutter life I found myself unhappily in. A beautiful full hoop ring is in the works and in some strange way I've never felt more beautiful (almost like when I look in the mirror my soul says, "ah, there you are!").

Then, do you know what happened?
I had a major existential moment where I freaked out and thought: "What the fuck am I even doing?" You know those moments?

Yeah. I had one of those.

I started thinking, "What am I? A world traveler? A food blogger? A writer? A photographer? A faculty member (day job)? A hippie? A small business owner? A lover?" I couldn't believe that I had so many passions .. so many! I couldn't believe that every single one of them excited me, fueled me, and made me proud of who I am for the first time in years. I couldn't believe that all of this, every part of me, felt equally important to the other, far-reaching and oftentimes whimsical parts of me. Yet here they are, all pounding on the inside of my chest, begging to be explored.


Something has shifted in me. Something big. And I bring this to you, now, because it has directly impacted this blog. It has influenced my lack of posting and even the content of my posts. It has influenced my diet, tremendously (am I even raw anymore? I'm certainly not vegan ..) And as much as I love making food and eating food, I just simply have not had an urge to post about it because I spend so much time playing with others, playing outside, and traveling (I know, I sound ridiculous). Whatta' life, right?



In a series of strange and unpredictable twists and turns where someone I trusted with my entire soul--as well as all the people in his life--did me very dirty, I'm finding that, ironically, the tide has shifted in such a magical way in which I have been released into this beautiful, abundant life ... and I have yet to look back.

So for now, I can tell you this: I will be back. I can also say this: ..once I figure out what direction I want to take.


In the meantime, I would love it if you would drop a comment for me and for any other readers that may be experiencing something even remotely similar. Share your story of trial and triumph. Have you ever been through anything so horrific? Have you ever survived? It is the community of women (admittedly, there is a gender bias here) that had experienced similar horror stories that helped me hang on to the single promise that life is infinitely better on the other side. So for now, I'd like to at the very least offer that to you!

Thanks for reading. I love you all. I am working on a four-year-update full of lots of pics.

Talk soon ...

xo m







16 comments:

  1. Marquis, woman a lot of us have been there. Me too! Amazing journey. And you know we all have a story. It's fascinating how similar the life path. When we all share I see it as a true accomplishment. I'm so eager to see where your journey takes you. How you survive and share the exciting next chapters of your life. There is so much ahead.

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    1. :) Love you girl, thank you for such beautiful words!

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  2. I will be reading your inspiring blog matter what you eat! Even if you don't cook raw food, you are raw and honest with your emotions which is very refreshing. So looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

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    1. Oh thank you so much! It feels really good to hear that :)

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  3. I am so glad that you've shared this. It makes me happy to see how far you've come and I'm excited to see where you're going!
    I was stuck in a job and was extremely unhappy with life in general a few years ago. The sadness took over my life and I let it control me. Then I took a random trip to California with my friends. I came home and immediately quit my job with no plans in mind. I was quite lost in life. But then I began to figure things out. I started my blog, took a yoga teacher training, and have done so much more that I never even imagined would happen.
    I'm excited to see what route you decide to take this blog and share your stories. Keep smiling and keep exploring :)

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    1. This is just so fun to read!! I feel like maybe it's the curse of our generation .. being lost for a bit. I'm sure I will find my way soon, I'm already infinitely better than I was one year ago :) I'm so happy that you found yours! How inspiring, thanks for sharing!

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  4. This is such a beautiful story, thank you for sharing it here. I'm moved to tears at seeing photos of your strong, healthy self. Go, girl!

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    1. Oh my goodness, I'm so grateful to have you here and supportive! Thank you so much :) I'm relieved the pictures can paint a picture as well

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  5. Hi love! I was thinking of all the reasons you were on your hiatus and want you to know I knew then that whatever it was, that you would pull through. You have the strength to overcome anything. Time heals all and having the mindset like you do, speaks volumes! Come back and share non raw food posts, feel label free and able to share what you want, places you travel, things you do with your girlfriends.. Anything that makes you happy- your followers love it all (Your amazing desserts). I have seen that sometimes sharing hard times or struggles helps me personally. I've experienced loss before and although every situation is different, we can all understand pain and hurt. Time does heal all and surrounding your self with uplifting people, get you through it. (Which you seem to be doing!) Keep your head up, you got this. Live a life you love! Sending my love to you, M. Xoxo K - Healthandus

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    1. This has really just lightened up my day/weekend! Really .. I'm so comforted to see that the support is here, that everyone is still here for me even when I disappeared for awhile into what seemed like an inescapable dark abyss. And for whatever reason I'm grateful for my experience because, like you said, everyone can understand deep pain. I feel like maybe it's served as a great unifier to others, for me. Anyway, I'm so glad to have you here. Thank you!!

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  6. Beautiful honest story and you obviously have strength in your spirit and soul that you should never hold back for anyone. Keep going. And there are no rules to blogging, we just love seeing your shiny face and happy or sad and honest adventures! xo

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    1. Thank you, you are so sweet :) I think I've got a lot of bounce back and I'm ready to be silly happy and make some food again!

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful transformation! You look so happy now! I'm happy for you! I don't have a horror story to share, but I do find myself crying a lot. Over my frustration that I put everything into something that now I don't have interest in. I want to go to the next step and the next level. Its not all about food me anymore either, its much more! And i'm frustrated, and scared, and anxious about how and what and when to do so. I'm trying to find myself. I'm loosing myself. But I will get there. I think I just might. Thanks to hearing this, it moves me along :)

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    1. That is so sweet of you to say, and also so frustrating that you've experienced that! We develop and grow as people, and even regress!, but I think that's one of the most beautiful connectors for us: we all change, grow, suffer, love .. It's all about the experience, the feelings, and sometimes food is just a WONDERFUL addition to it ;)

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  8. Hi there,

    I just read your sharing here & I sende two things intuitively on your situation:
    1. You are so young & perhaps were duped by a guy w ith classic pathological narcissism.
    2. When uniting with another, whom you didn't get to know well before union, (not to mention not knowing yourself first) this auric union also can change your vibration to deviate from your chosen path, i.e., raw veganism etc.,
    But I assure you that raw vegan living foods 'lifestyle' is by far the best for us humans. If your husband was not on similar path to you w regards to food etc., then likely his energy interfered w yours. His energy probably devasted and deplated yours.

    Your are smart to go your own eay for now. Get to know you and be your best friend while you get to know who you are. Then maybe once you are very very strong in your own path you can meet someone going the same direction and you two can be companions.

    Its my bit of wisdom, having been raw vegan for 20+ years and been a monastic nun, totally with myself for 10 years too. I am now able to choose who I associate with in such a healthy way as to avoid such pitfalls as you descibe above.

    I highly suggest you look up narcissist personality disorder regarding your ex.

    Also, getting back to the living foods lifestyle is good. Food is at the base of our lives. If the food is what our holy mother earth intended for us, then everything else fits it and makes you feel soooo good, nothing can hurt you.

    Big heart hug!

    With Love, Surya DharMata~♡~

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    1. Sorry for the typos, hopefully you can get the picture. All love~♡~

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